A Hoggle-Hovel of One's Own
by The Dishwasher
Summary: The Goblin King crops up in Sarah's life, every now and then, just like that, and it's the same old Come to the Underground spiel. But Sarah's pretty happy where she is - she's just looking for a nicer place to rent. After all, one must have a room, even a Hoggle-sized one, of one's own, if one is to write... Set of oneshots.
1. A Hoggle-Hovel of One's Own

_Disclaimer - Nothing is owned by me. The usual._

**A Hoggle-Hovel of One's Own**

He next appeared when Sarah had just left the estate agent's.

'Huh', she said to the Goblin King, who was walking beside her, 'Well, what do you think?'

'Nice enough,' he shrugged, 'If you like that sort of thing.'

'Well I do,' she sniffed, 'It's airy and light and high up, you know... the opposite of where you are.'

'Aren't you paying through the nose for a Hoggle-sized attic hovel in an overpriced and over-rated part of London?'

'It's near my work,' she said.

'Don't you work on a portable computer in those wireless-equipped trendy cafe chains?'

'I have a favourite cafe,' she retorted, 'And anyway, that's not the point. It's in a good location. I can afford the rent. I don't need much space.'

'Hm.'

'Don't 'hm' me! I know what you're thinking.'

'Enlighten me.'

'You're thinking, well now, why doesn't she just drop the Aboveground act, drop her, in my opinion insignificant, work and the, in my opinion pointless, cafes, and instead go and live in my castle beyond my labyrinth, which is a gazillion times bigger and better than this Hoggle-hovel that she is so determined to rent with her tiny, miniscule even, wages, just to prove, as if it needs proving, that I have no power whatsoever over her. '

'Hm,' he said again, and then nothing more was said as they walked on, sort of together but sort of not, until Sarah stopped.

They had reached the corner of the park, by the underground station, where she would usually take a right to head back to her current abode, a flatshare in a characterless neighbourhood with a rather drab interior. It was also the place where he would usually leave, though she didn't quite know where he went or how he got there.

'Well,' he said slowly, 'Insightful, but not at all what I was thinking at the time.'

'I refuse to believe it,' she said.

'Refuse all you like,' he said.

'I will!'

'Fine,' he said, and turned to go, in his usual way.

'Fine,' Sarah muttered, but then despite herself sighed and rolled her eyes.

'Wait. Wait a second,' she said, and added, as disinterestedly as she could, 'OK, so, what were you thinking?'

'You want to know?' he asked, bemused.

'Sure. If you say I'm wrong, tell me what was behind that 'hm' of yours.'

'Well,' he said, 'I was thinking, if I visit, _I'd_ like a bit more space.'

-FIN-


	2. The Leak of Eternal Stench

_Disclaimer: Disclaimed._

**The Leak of Eternal Stench**

'Good grief,' Jareth said, 'What in the world is that smell?'

Sarah folded her arms.

'Oh please. You know very well what it is.'

They stood on the landing by the door to Sarah's new apartment, surrounded by an unspeakably offensive cloud of air. Having presented Jareth with the facts of the matter, Sarah insisted that he return it to its original, fragrance-free state. She could hardly work, or, indeed, breathe.

'It's been like this for a week,' she added, and waited for him to reply.

'Charming,' he said, 'But I don't see why you won't just get one of your plumber people to come fix it.'

Sarah said, 'The problem runs rather deeper than that.'

Jareth had lived in his share of apartments.

'Has some imbecile on the floor below blocked the pipes?'

'Well,' Sarah said with some hesitancy, 'I suppose you could say that.'

'Have you at least informed this idiot of what they've done?'

'They're somewhat... hard to get hold of. Always throwing some kind of party or something. And believe me, I have tried.'

'You and your Aboveground problems,' Jareth sighed, exasperated. He was far too old for this kind of thing. It was one of the reasons he didn't live in an apartment any more, 'If you would just see sense and come to the Underground-'

'Jareth,' Sarah warned.

'Yes, yes, your stinky kingdom is as strong, you've made that quite clear. But down there, you must agree, nothing ever smells again. Well, except for the...' and he trailed off, his gaze wandering from Sarah to the wall emanating the smell. He pressed his ear against it.

Pfffffffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrttt, said the wall.

'...Except for the...' he whispered.

Burrrppppllfffffttttttrrrrr, the wall confirmed.

'The Bog of Eternal Stench,' Sarah said, 'And you know what Hoggle told me? That you had ordered the goblins to deposit your _filth_ in the Bog, which has now spilled over, into _my apartment!_'

'He told you that, did he?'

'I think his exact words were "Now, you ain't gonna like this Sarah, and I don't wanna be the one to tell you, but the King's gone and got the goblins to dump his crud into the Bog of Eternal Stench, and, well, the Bog's no longer down in the Underground".'

'Sounds like someone has a lot of time on his hands,' Jareth said, 'You do know that this Bog business is his responsibility?'

'Oh no you don't,' she said, 'Hoggle said he wasn't made aware of your plans.'

'And what else did your delightful Hoggle say?'

'Jareth,' Sarah said, rather seriously, 'You made this mess, you clean it up.'

'Are you telling me what to do, Sarah?'

'You're in _my_ stinky kingdom now,' she said.

-FIN-


	3. An Unwelcome Infairystation

_Disclaimer: Disclaimed._

**An Unwelcome Infairystation**

Sarah was on what she called 'a roll'. She had churned out her commissioned articles and was now working on her _œuvre,_ in her room, which, for the past two weeks and counting, had been free from smell, or anything out of the ordinary, just her own, tiny, normal room. She typed away happily, her notes piled up beside the computer. If she could keep this pace up, she'd have a draft finished by Christmas.

'She did not flinch,' Sarah was typing, 'Did not look away, but stood her ground, determined. She would not falter now- OW! '

She pressed her hand to her ear. Her fingers came back red. She sensed a movement in the corner of her eye and whirled round to see a -

'You're no wasp,' Sarah hissed, 'You little pest! How did you get in here?'

The fairy looped around the lamp, aiming for Sarah, but she stunned it mid-flight with a roll hastily made out of character descriptions and an outline of chapter four. She was about to throw it out through the mirror, when she froze and almost dropped her captive.

'No way,' Sarah said.

The Otherside of her mirror was crawling with fairies, one or two of which were already poking through the glass.

'Ugh! Get back in there!' she yelled, and whacked them with her notes. She sent the fairy back, then quickly draped a towel over the mirror, moved it into the bathroom and shut the door.

'Why,' Sarah said, 'Why? What is it with you, Labyrinth, that just as soon as I start to make some kind of progress here, you send me a plague of fairies?'

Her ear had stopped bleeding. The fairies were still in the bathroom. Sarah kicked at one, which was creeping out through the crack underneath the door, and fashioned a draft excluder from her remaining notes.

She flipped open her compact mirror.

'Goblin King,' she said in a low and terrifying voice, 'You had better have a very good explanation for this.'

Instead it was Sir Didymus who picked up the line at the Otherend.

'Ah,' he said, 'My lady. We are in full knowledge of the problem. We are working on it. We shall have it fixed in a jiffy.'

'Sir Didymus,' Sarah said, 'Where is the King?'

'Uhm... The King is ... indispoed.'

'Indisposed, like... sick?' Sarah asked, with more concern than she had anticipated.

'It's an... ahem... a delicate matter,' Sir Didymus said, wringing his paws, 'We are under strict orders not to speak of it... But... it involves the unfortunate incident with the leaking Bog... he fixed it you see...

'We tried to dissuade him,' Didymus continued apologetically, 'But he would not listen. He mentioned something about the creative process and the importance of uninterrupted work and how the goblins never do things right. But to take on the Bog of Eternal Stench...'

'Didymus, what happened exactly?'

'My lady,' he said uncomfortably, 'I have sworn I shall not speak of it, and so it shall remain. But the King will be back with us in a fortnight or so.'

'A fortnight!' Sarah exclaimed, 'I have fairies pouring out of my mirror!'

'He is very much aware of your predicament, my lady. I believe reinforcements will be arriving just about - '

Sarah's intercom rang.

'- Now.'

Sarah picked it up.

'Pest control,' crackled a voice through the speaker. She peered down from the window and saw a faded green van, the words 'The Destroyer' painted in large letters on its side.

'I didn't call any pest control,' she said half-suspiciously.

'Don't you want ridding of the fairies?'

'Hoggle!' Sarah said, and buzzed him in, shouting, 'You're a total lifesaver!' down the stairwell.

'Cor Sarah,' panted Hoggle as he reached the landing, 'Just like you to be living all the way up here without a lift! Now, where are them blighters?'

'Through there,' she pointed towards the bathroom door. Hoggle walked in, rubbing his palms together eagerly, sprayer at the ready.

'I'm so glad you're here Hoggle,' Sarah said, 'I was worried I'd be stuck with them for ages. Didymus has all but said that Jareth's out of action for a couple of weeks after a run-in with the Bog, and I can't very well write when I'm being attacked by a swarm of fairies. Where did they even come from? Hoggle?'

'Ha! ha!' came a gleeful cry from the bathroom. Sarah noticed wisps of smoke spreading out under the door.

'Everything ok in there?'

His laugh became a cough, and Sarah flung open the door, only to be met with billowing clouds of smoke. When they had both finished coughing and the smoke had cleared, Sarah had to rub her eyes. The fairies lay in a large pile on the floor, mostly dead, a few were still twitching. Amid this carnage stood Hoggle, with a large grin on his face.

'Six hundred and forty!' he said.

-FIN-


	4. Music in the Night

_Disclaimer: Disclaimed._

**Music in the Night**

'Why thank you kindly,' Sarah was saying to a little blue worm in her dream, 'I'd love to meet the missus, as long as you buy my books for your many, many children.'

Just as the worm reluctantly began writing a cheque, a deafening crash threw Sarah out of her bed and onto the floor. Something rumbled in the distance.

She yawned, staring blankly out of the window before realising that the thunder sounded oddly like the baseline to a familiar song. Another crash came, and Sarah was convinced that someone had violently attacked a drum kit.

She could now quite clearly hear a backing track, starting and stopping, and the experimental wails of a saxophone. Such musical escapades were much too inappropriate for half past three in the morning. She wondered if any of her neighbours could be blamed for the racket, but her gut feeling told her that neither the forty-year old divorcee next door nor the whisky-loving granny downstairs was responsible. There was only one thing for it, not that she particularly wanted to go to the Underground in the middle of the night. She put on her dressing gown and shut her eyes.

When she opened them again she was, by the looks of things, in the basement of the Castle Beyond the Labyrinth.

'Blast it, Jareth was yelling, 'Keep up, Hogbrain!'

'I's keeping up! You're the one who keeps changing tempo!'

'I am improvising!'

'And I'm sticking to time!'

Neither Hoggle nor the King had noticed her arrival. As they were still bickering, Sarah struck the cymbals next to her as hard as she could to make her presence known. Several goblins, deafened by the sound, staggered out of the drums.

'Oh it's you,' Jareth said, briefly glancing up from his guitar, 'Would you mind keeping it down?'

Sarah had to restrain herself from breaking the drumstick. 'Have you no shame?'

'I am composing!' Jareth explained dismissively.

'You're keeping me awake!'

'You can hear us?' Hoggle asked.

'I wouldn't be surprised if the whole of London can hear you.'

'You shouldn't be able to hear us,' Jareth muttered, 'My Labyrinth and your airy little Hoggle-hovel ('Hey!' Hoggle said) shouldn't be so connected by now.'

'Yeah, well, they are. So connected, in fact, that it's like I have my own private rock band tuning up in my bedroom at the a.m. kind of twenty to four.'

'I can't just stop composing,' Jareth protested, 'You know how it is, you yourself get so angry when you're interrupted. You don't just stop writing when you've hit upon something good!'

'Jareth,' Sarah said, 'The only thing you've hit upon is a thinly veiled cover which you insist on calling "Who Let the Goblins Out".'

'It's an _arrangement_,' he said, 'A step, if you will, towards something great, if Hoghands here ('Hey!' Hoggle said, louder this time) can get his act together on the sax. I will look into this thin wall problem. But in the meantime I will give you these.'

He placed a pair of earplugs in Sarah's hand.

'We wear 'em all the time,' Hoggle said, 'Or them cymbals really get to you.'

'No kidding,' Sarah said, lamenting her lack of sleep but placing the earplugs in her dressing gown pocket. Just as she was about to leave, she felt particularly vindictive, covered her nose with her hand, and said,

'Eww, what is that awful smell?'

'What smell!?' Jareth asked, with an undertone of panic.

Sarah slowly looked around the basement before resting her eyes on Jareth.

'There can't be any smell!' he said, paling, 'I got it all off, tell her, Hoggle!'

Hoggle said, 'Don't you be bringing me into this.'

'There is no smell,' Jareth said, smelling himself, 'Is there?'

Sarah sniffed the air cautiously.

'Is there?' Jareth asked, on the verge of desperation.

'No...' she said, trying her best not to crack up, 'At least, I don't think so...'

'You don't _think_ so?'

'Goodnight Hoggle, Jareth,' Sarah said, 'Smell you later.'

-FIN-


	5. There's No Pizzazzing Some People

_Disclaimer: Disclaimed_

**There's No Pizzazzing Some People**

'What this place needs,' Jareth said between mouthfuls of croissant, 'is some pizzazz.'

'What?' Sarah said, choking on her coffee.

'You know, pizzazz, something interesting, something flamboyant...'

Sarah did not like where this was going.

He glanced around the room, running through some ideas, 'Some colour, or... no, no, texture? No... No, that's not it...'

'It doesn't need_ anything_,' she said, 'I did it up just the way like I like it.'

'Oh, you "did it up", did you? My mistake.'

'As a matter of fact-'

'I've got it,' he said.

"Oh no. No no no no no."

But it was too late - Jareth held a crystal in his hand.

'We talked about this,' Sarah said, fearing for her decor, 'No imposing your questionable tastes upon my apartment, especially not with your crystals.'

'It's only temporary. You'll like it,' Jareth said as the crystal began to glow.

'I won't.'

'_I'll_ like it.'

'You don't even live here!'

The crystal exploded just as Sarah shut her eyes.

Once the aftershocks subsided, Sarah blinked a couple of times and cautiously looked around. The apartment appeared to have emerged uncannily unscathed.

'Um, what did you change, exactly?'

'Tch. You're not looking properly. Look at it in an Otherlight.'

Sarah put down her coffee. Did her walls...sparkle? It could have been worse. She titled her head to watch the light play on the glitter.

'It's not only the walls,' Jareth clarified, 'I took the liberty of extending your bedroom.'

'You took the _what _of _what?!_'

She abandoned her half-eaten toast to review the damage.

'You put a door in there!'

'Well I can't physically make your true-to-scale Hoggle-hovel any bigger. I had to work within my limits.'

Sarah opened the door just a little and peered through.

'It leads to your rooms in the Castle Beyond the Labyrinth!'

'Ingenious, isn't it?'

'Just how is this "pizzazz" exactly?'

'Sarah, Sarah. It is a shortcut to _me_, and _I_ am pizzazz.'

'The door goes,' she said forcefully, 'Or you'll have a shortcut to one seriously angry Sarah who'll give you some pizzazz of her own.'

'Fine, fine, intriguing though that sounds. I knew you'd be no fun. I suppose you'll want the glitter gone as well.'

Sarah wistfully looked at the iridescent walls.

'Actually, come to think of it,' she said, 'Glitter can stay.'

-FIN-


	6. My Friends Don't Have a Rock This Big

A/N: Thank you, reviewers, followers and readers! We continue to observe Sarah and Jareth in their odd relationship with this next installment.

_Disclaimer: Disclaimed._

**My Friends Don't Have a Rock This Big**

When Jareth appeared one evening, Sarah was gazing out of the window, her work open on her computer. He managed to read a good deal of it over her shoulder before she turned around.

'What this place could really do with,' she said to him, 'is a garden.'

'Hmm,' Jareth said, browsing her CD collection.

'Not that I'm complaining or anything,' Sarah clarified, 'But a garden would be nice.'

'It's an otherwise perfectly splendid little Hoggle-hovel,' Jareth said, flicking through an album insert.

'It _is_ a splendid little Hoggle-hovel - I mean apartment - actually. Compared to your dilapidated castle-'

'It's rustic, Sarah, rustic. And besides,' he looked out of the window, 'I thought you had a garden.'

The building technically came with what the estate agent called a 'charming communal garden', but which was in reality a sorry patch of grass, yellowed by lack of light and cigarette stubs. There were two people smoking out there presently. Sarah recognised the divorcee from next door.

'I mean a garden I can use,' she said.

'Hmm,' Jareth said again, picking up another CD, 'Can I borrow these?'

'Don't think about doing anything though. I specifically didn't say I wish the goblins would make me a garden right now.'

'Yes, yes,' Jareth said, 'I would never think of doing anything.'

* * *

The following day, when Sarah returned from her trip to the library, she was met with a sight that was, even by her standards, unexpected.

'What in the seven hecks is this?!'

Ludo stepped out from behind one of the several tall standing stones that were carefully arranged in the middle of her living room.

'Sarrrah,' Ludo said, 'Birthday present!'

Ludo looked so eager to please that she did not have the heart to tell him it was not her birthday.

'Why, that's... really kind of you, Ludo. What is it?'

'Japanese rock garden,' Ludo said proudly, and explained that the pebbles were groomed into ripples around the larger, meticulously carved and strategically placed rocks.

'Uhhuh,' Sarah murmured, contemplating the pile of rocks on the carpet in near despair.

'Ludo worked all night with rock friends to make garden. For Sarah.'

'Thank you and your friends for going to so much trouble,' Sarah managed to reply, 'It's certainly something. But what do I do with it?'

'Sarah can think,' Ludo said, 'Think in garden. For stories.'

'Huh,' Sarah said, and walked around the rocks. There were three Sarah-sized rocks in total, emerging from a sea of tiny pebbles which demarcated the garden space, densest in the centre, thinning out towards the outside and stopping just short of the edge of the carpet. Perhaps Sarah really did start to feel more relaxed as she watched the stones, so still and grounded, sinking into the hypnotic pebble-waves. Maybe she could get used to this. Maybe she could sit on the sofa in the evenings and be zen, watching the garden. But as soon as Sarah sat down she discovered that it was from that exact perspective that the rock triad suddenly aligned to form the Napoleonic pose of one egotistical Goblin King.

'I don't believe it!' Sarah exclaimed, 'Ludo, did the King have anything to do with this?'

'King said Sarah would like it.'

'Did he... interfere with your rock friends?'

'King helped with concept.'

The Jareth statue in pieces was an almost exact likeness of the King, which even Sarah had to admit was an accomplishment. She was almost tempted to keep it. No, no, Sarah thought, not now that the zen had been so irreversibly displaced by a Jareth centrepiece. Not to mention the impracticalities of stones in her shoes and the problem of explaining the garden to her landlord. Ludo was still beaming. Sarah chewed her lip.

'I'm so overwhelmed I don't know what to say,' she said, 'Thank you Ludo. But I'd like to show how grateful I am to the King. Your work is much too beautiful to display in my tiny apartment. I think we should display it in the Castle Beyond the Labyrinth. In fact I know just the place. But if you could ask your friends to do a couple of things for me, Ludo, it would really express my gratitude.'

'Sure,' Ludo said, 'Friends like sculpture!'

* * *

Down in the Underground, Jareth had forgotten all about his 'suggestions' to Ludo, the Japanese rock garden and Sarah's new and improved living room. The goblins had been particularly unruly. He suspected that somebody had spiked the ale again. Getting them to behave involved interpretative dance routines and several songs, including some new ones from Sarah's collection as well as a couple of old Underground favourites. By the time the goblins had simmered down Jareth was unbearably tired. He stumbled into his rooms, and almost tripped over a rock that definitely had not been there that morning. When he looked up, the Japanese rock garden in its glorious entirety stood on his two favourite wolf skins, and he recalled something of last night. He wondered if he had been drinking more than usual when he convinced Ludo to collaborate.

'So,' Jareth said to himself, kicking off his boots, 'She returned it did she? Very well - it will have to be dealt with in the morning.'

It was only when he was about to fall asleep that he cast one last look at the rock garden and jumped with fright. The stones had collected together into one terrifying form. He rubbed his eyes and took a moment to regain his breath. It was most certainly not the shape that he had commissioned. Instead of his own likeness, this murderous figure towered over the bed, arms outstretched, ready to strangle.

It was an angry-looking, larger-than-life statue of Hoggle.

'That's hardly fair, Sarah,' Jareth groaned.

-FIN-


End file.
